It was a cold day today and it is a cold night tonight. We sit huddled in the field behind his house. The one with the overgrown grass that is always somehow softer than it looks. The blades are varying shades of green, depending on the amount of sunlight it manages to get. Not that we can distinguish between the green at this moment; the night has stolen all colour.
Someone lights a cigarette and an orange flicker briefly disturbs the darkness. There are many stars out, the heavens are astonishingly clear tonight. We’ve been silent all day. As if not speaking will make it not true. As if not communicating will make this all a dream.
We are not fooling anyone. Lest of all ourselves. But this summer before we become adults, before we separate, we will allow ourselves a last indulgence. To be children once again, to believe once again in the pretty lies of parents who know better.
Erika sighs and I know that she will speak. She is always the first one to speak. Even that day. Even the day we first met. She was the one who came up to me and introduced herself.
Out of the corner of my eyes, I see fireflies. Two of them. They are winking at me and I know of them is going to disappear soon.
“Guys…” Erika speaks. We all give her our attention. Three girls and three – no, two boys. We’ve been friends since grade two of primary school. Best friends. We’ve been together through so many things.
“Don’t Erika. Just let’s sit for a while, kay?” Mao wards her off, wrapping her arms around herself. She was close to him. They had been cousins after all. Born within two days of each other, they had been family. But more than blood had connected them, they had been friends. I had been jealous of her for so long, not realizing foolishly that she had always been my staunchest supporter.
Pi puts out his cigarette and slings his arm around Mao. He pulls her close, rocking her as her shoulders shakes with the force of her sobs. Ah. It hurts.
Erika bows her head, defeated and I look at Kame. He’s looking up at the sky as if the answer will somehow present itself to him, maybe the stars will blink it out.
“Shit.” Erika swears and gets up. “Shit, shit shit!!!”
“Maki.” Kame grabs my balled up fists. “You okay?”
“What do you think?” I reply.
“Sorry, stupid question.” He rubs a hand across his face and I immediately feel remorse. He is hurting too.
“What are we supposed to do now?” Mao takes a deep breath and moves apart from Pi. He remains silent. Talking has never been his forte.
“We say goodbye.” I say softly.
“Goodbye?” Erika is incredulous.
“Yes.” I whisper. I have to keep it together. Do not cry, Maki.
Erika shakes her head in denial, walking away. Kame runs after her, holding on when she tries to shake him away. She finally howls a scream tinged with raw pain.
I look away. Grief, you know, is personal. Death is not. Death involves everyone. Everyone who knows you, everyone who loves you.
I have always known him. It seemed that way. He always existed somewhere inside of me and when I met him, he gained tangibility. Toma. He had stuck his hand out and introduced himself to me. Grade two. Then he had pulled Mao who was hiding behind him and introduced her. Mao had pulled on Pi’s arm and all three of them had regarded me with curious eyes.
Then Erika had walked up and claimed me as her new slave. There were five of us then. For three years. We had met Kame in middle school when we were all sent to detention for skipping school and going to the pool. He had been the subject of Erika’s desires ever since. This was the main reason we had adopted him into our group. Not that she has told him that she loves him. It’s silly but she says that he has to say it to her first.
Pride is going to kick your ass, Toma used to tell her.
When Toma had first fallen in love with the girl who sat next to him in class, it had broken my heart. Mao and Erika had treated him coldly for weeks. He hadn’t understood what he had done to deserve the cold shoulders and they wouldn’t tell him. So he had sought me out and complained.
I had looked at the lift of his lips and the shine in his eyes. The song of his hands and my tears had fallen of their own violation.
He had been horrified at the sight of them.
“Do you remember when Toma found out that you were in love with him?” Mao says quietly and I jump, startled.
I nod my head and smile. It had been at the school festival. At night we had had a party. He had told us that he wouldn’t be able to make it since his girlfriend wanted him to take her somewhere. We had grumbled but we were used to his capricious ways by now. I had gotten remarkably good at hiding my feelings.
“We were playing secrets.” Erika hiccups. It was a game she had invented where everyone whispered one secret to the person beside them – only the secret wasn’t theirs. Somebody else’s secret. It didn’t make sense but it was fun.
The entire class was there. Mao had told my secret to the person beside her. Who had exclaimed out loud, “It’s not that much of a secret!”
This had led to everyone clamouring to know. Mao had glanced sneakily at me and as I watched with growing dismay, she had laughed, “Maki loves Toma.”
Everyone else had laughed and agreed that this wasn’t much of a secret. What we hadn’t known was that Toma had been standing right outside the classroom listening in. His girlfriend had changed her mind about going somewhere else.
“He was such a dork.” Kame snorts. “He called me later that night and made me meet him at Pi’s.
Pi smiles his half smile. “He said it was a crisis. That he didn’t know what to do.”
Mao laughs. “He called me later, you know. After you guys dropped him home. He sounded panicked as though the world was ending.”
I hadn’t known that. “What did you tell him?”
“Heh. I told him that you were too good for him.” Mao gets up and Pi immediately looks up concerned. These two have been together forever. I used to dream of finding a love like theirs.
I had, you know.
It had taken him some time and a lot of courage but one day he had approached me. Somber faced and nervous. He had been pacing outside the girls locker room. Erika and I played volleyball.
“Maki…,” he had croaked.
I had turned, surprised. He had swallowed and I remember being curious. After he had found out, he had avoided me. Kame had told me about him hearing. I had supposed that if he were to ask me, I would just deny it to save face. But he hadn’t.
“Hentai, what are you doing in front of the girl’s locker room!” Erika had come to stand protectively beside me.
“I want to talk to Maki.” He had bristled. They didn’t get along too well, these two. They were both territorial animals and apparently I had been the decided territory.
“She doesn’t speak to dense fools.” Erika had turned up her nose at him.
“Then why is she talking to you?” He had retorted and I had sighed.
“Eri, I’m fine. Let me talk to him.” I had put a hand on her arm, showing gratitude for her support. She had given him a look and stalked away.
He had led me to the room and we had stood there in silence, watching the sun go down. I had been too nervous to talk.
“Um…Maki.” He had bitten his lip.
“What is it?” Anxiety always made me snap.
“You like me?” He had swallowed and forced the words out.
“So what?” I was being brash but at that moment I hadn’t known how to react.
“I think I like you too.” He had said slowly, feeling out each word. My eyes had widened and I had stared at him, shocked.
“You have a girlfriend.” I had pointed out, hoping he had not just conveniently forgotten that very pertinent fact.
“We broke up.” He had muttered.
“So now what?” I had to ask.
“Will you marry me?” He had grinned, regaining his composure and sense of mischief.
I had stared at him. “You are joking around with me, aren’t you? What a bastard. I’m out.” I had turned to go but he had grabbed my arm and swung me around.
That had been our first kiss. I remember the softness, the taste of his lips on mine. He had been eating mint candy and wearing his Calvin Klein cologne. The texture of his shirt had been rough underneath my hands and his heart had been beating so fast. Almost…almost as fast as mine.
“Let’s build a fire.” Kame drags Erika to search for dry twigs and Pi clears some of the grass away. Only I remain unmoving. Numb.
We were together three years.
“Mao.” I say and she looks over. Her face is still streaked with tears. “Can I hug you?”
Her face crumples as she walks over and I put my arms around her. He’s not here anymore. And Mao had been the closest to him for so long so maybe if I hug her, it will be as though I am touching him.
People die.
It’s a fact. An unchangeable one.
But why him? And why now?
“I’m going.” Erika comes storming back. She has finally given in to the grief. And Erika hates people seeing her cry.
“I’ll take you.” Kame says from behind her. He is stoic but now I know that he is using Erika as an excuse for privacy. I nod and Erika comes over and hugs me tightly. “Come with me.”
“No. I want to stay here for a bit.” She steps back and nods. She understands. “I’ll call you tomorrow.” I add to reassure you. They leave.
The crickets are making the usual sounds. There’s a slight wind rustling the grass. Pi looks unbearably alone. Mao walks over to him and he immediately grasps her hands into his. Ah. I always thoughts that Pi was a bit cold but I guess you don’t need words with some people. His face smoothes out and he breathes easier.
We sit in silence.
When we graduated last month, Toma had surprised me with a ring. I had been alarmed since I had no intention of getting married so young. He had laughed a bit self consciously and blushing, announced that it was a promise ring.
“What are you promising me?” I had laughed at him.
“No, I’m giving the ring. You should be the one doing the promising.” He had insisted.
“Okay…what do you want me to promise?” I had played along, ridiculously pleased.
“Five kids.”
“Too many.”
“Four and a half?”
“Three and it’s a deal.”
He had beamed and pretended to write it down.
“Breakfast in bed every Sunday.” He had said next.
“You are welcome to cook it for me.” I had retorted.
“Our kids will not marry Erika’s kids.” He had sent a glance towards Erika who had just entered the room. She had stopped and glared at him. “You need to ask my permission before Maki marries you.” She had told him.
“Hmph.” He had scowled and pulled me close. “All mine.”
I had rolled my eyes at their antics and laughed.
Mao starts coughing. I look at her concerned. “Go inside, Mao.” I urge.
She looks unwilling but Pi gets up, his concern for her overriding everything else. “Come in with us.” She says when it’s clear that he’ll make her go inside whether she likes it or not.
“I’ll be in a few minutes. I just…” I trail off and she nods, understanding.
“I’ll be waiting.” She says.
“Will you be okay?” Pi asks me. I wave him away. They leave and I’m alone for the first time since it happened.
It has been two days since…I can’t make myself say it. Wait, let me breathe.
Two days since he was hit by the car as he walking on the side of the road. He died en route to the hospital.
I was waiting for him at the bus stop. His car had been giving him trouble so he had decided to take the bus.
Who do I blame? The old lady who had a stroke while on the wheel? Or God? I remember rushing to the hospital, disbelieving. How could he be dead? It was a sick joke, yea? This is Toma we are talking about.
Not a stranger. Toma. Who smiles the brightest in the mornings and who hates saying goodnight. That Toma.
“Will you see the body?” The doctor had asked us.
Body? That’s not a body. That’s Toma! Erika had held my hand and Mao had clutched my arm and we had walked into the room, to the bed.
He was there, bruised yes. His eyes were closed and his skin was waxen. I had shrugged off their grasp and walked that few steps. The sheets were white.
“Toma?” I had whispered, leaning down as though he might whisper, as though he might open his eyes. “Wake up.”
“Maki…” Erika had tried to pull me away. I had recoiled like an angry animal.
“No.” It…this couldn’t be true. There was no way I was going to believe that the Toma who danced in the sunshine was the same as this still creature on the bed. “NO!” I had yelled. “No…” I had entreated. “Please.”
The funeral arrangements had been made quickly. He had been buried in a brown tuxedo his mother had bought for his graduation. There had been sunflowers present – his favourite flower. We had played his favourite song and people had said nice things about him in speeches. Then he had been buried.
He is gone.
Forever.
But me. I continue breathing. My veins still fill with blood and I continue breathing.
“Do you love me?” He had asked me once.
“Not at all.” I had replied, tweaking his nose.
“I love you.” He had been unembarrassed but my cheeks had flared red.
The wind grows stronger and I wrap my arms around myself.
“Now what?” I am drained, bereaved.
Last summer, Toma had gone to camp with his kendo club buddies. The night before he had put his arms around me and held me tight. “Can I ask you something?” He had whispered.
“Anything.” I had rested my head on his shoulder.
“Will you remember me when I’m gone?” He had been solemn.
“Yes.” And that had all that had been required.
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